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NON-FRILLS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
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They don’t control Air
Traffic, they control chances.
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All the insurance agents
are doing roaring business at the airport and all insurances are sold out.
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Before each flight, the
passengers get together and elect their respective survival nominees.
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You cannot board a plane
unless you have made your last wishes.
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The captain yells at the
ground staff to get the cows, dogs and camels off the runway.
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You ask the captain how
often their planes crash and he says, “Just once in a while”.
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Each ATCO has more than
three Air Misses as feathers in his/her cap.
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After you have taken off
in the air you are entertained with TCAS signals instead of music.
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No movie on board. Don’t
at all need one.
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Your life keeps flashing
before your eyes.
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You see a man with a gun,
but he’s demanding to be let off the plane, He’s even ready to use a
parachute.
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All the Air Traffic
Controllers provide free service of last sermons to the boarding
passengers turn by turn and planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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The Director General of
Civil Aviation carries out a Diwali bumper lucky draw to elect the lucky
ATCO to be on duty.
ATC
FUN-DO-FUNDAS
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Allegedly, a Pan Am 727
flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?” Ground
(in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.” Lufthansa
(in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why
must I speak English?” Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful
British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war.”
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Tower: “Eastern 702,
cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on Frequency 124.7” Eastern 702:
“Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway. “Tower:
“Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?”
Continental 635: “continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger: and yes, we
copied Eastern…. We’ve already notified our caterers.”
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One day the pilot of a
Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway
while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew
got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all
by yourself?” The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one.”
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Allegedly the German air
controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot.
They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one’s gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfort ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway.” Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven. “The
BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground:
“Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?” Speedbird 206: “Stand
by, Ground, I’am looking up our gate location now.” Ground (with quite
arrogant impatience): “Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
before? Speedbird 206 (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,….
And I didn’t land.”
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Allegedly, while taxiing
at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An
irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
“US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!” Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: “God! Now you have screwed everything up! It’ll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell
you! You got that, US Air 2771?” US Air 2771: “Yes, ma’am,” the humbled
crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state
of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”
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