The pilot's
prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.ROGER.
What's that flight number?
AIC19: Air India 19 (nineteen) heavy, requesting landing
instructions.
APP: Air India 90 (ninety), turn right heading 050, descend to 3,000
until intercepting the ILS for runway 27 right, frequency's 111.7
AIC19: ...
APP: Air India 90, do you copy?
AIC19: ...
APP: Air India 90, this is approach, do you copy?
AIC19: ...
APP: Air India 90, you remind me of my wife, you never listen
anything!
AIC19: Approach, this is Air India NINETEEN, maybe if you called her
by the right name you'd get a better response!
Faster, faster!
ATC: Oceanic flight 123, are you an Airbus 320 or 340?
OC123: 340, of course!
ATC: So would you mind switching on the other two engines and
giving me 1000 feet per minute or more climb?
Out of fuel!
C765: This is Cessna 765, I'm out of fuel.
ATC: Establish best glide, squawk 7700, and say position!
C765: Ummm... I'm not really sure.
ATC: See any landmarks?
C765: Well, I'm here parked behind the hangar, and I can see the
end of Runway 12. I'm sure the fuel truck will find me.
Some darn horn
TWR: Midwest 911 heavy, you're cleared to land.
MDW911: Cleared to land, Midwest 911.
TWR: Midwest 911, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear
down?
MDW911: Say again, I can't hear you! There's some darn horn
blaring in my ear!
TWR: 911, your landing gear is NOT DOWN, repeat, NOT DOWN!
MDW911: What? I can't hear you!
TWR: Your landing gear is... Oh darn...
"Do you copy?"
KFR723: Jaipur Tower, this is Kingfisher 723.
ATC:Kingfisher 723, Jaipur Tower, go ahead.
KFR723:Kingfisher 723 has a message for you.
ATC:Kingfisher 723, Jaipur Tower is ready to copy message.
KFR723: From KFR 723, message is as follows:
"Mayday, Mayday, Mayday"
Go around?
This is what happens when there's a misunderstood between a solo student
pilot and a hysterical ATC controller.
TWR: Baron 232 Zulu, go around, aircraft on runway.
232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)
TWR: 232 Zulu, GO AROUND.
232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)
TWR: 232 ZULU!!! GO AROUND!!!.
232-Z: Roger... (The pilot continues descent)
The student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it,
and continues on to the taxiway.
"Now, we do have a captain up front?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, This is your captain speaking. Welcome you aboard
Trans Global Airlines, flight number 2 from Chicago to Rome. We are
currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft,
you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you
look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port
wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you
will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at
you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air
stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Baggage handling
A tired businessman gets at the airline counter with three heavy
suitcases. He asks the ticket agent: "Okay, I am booked on a flight to
Miami. But I want this red suitcase to go to Chicago, this green one to
Minneapolis and this blue one to Dallas". The agent replies: "Sorry,
sir, but we can't do that!". The angry passenger replies: "Why not?
That's exactly what you did last time!"
Business and pleasure
A husband suspects his wife of having an affair with a pilot but she
keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner
thousand times, negative on the affair."
The oldest pilot
Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night
freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a
shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The
man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135
inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due
respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if
you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa
noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him,
placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried,
"What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "I'm not
supposed to tell you, but anyway... You're going to lose engine number
two on takeoff."
"Need anything, Captain?"
This joke was heard in the movie Good Will Hunting, but here's a
"cleaner" version.
"Good evening folks, this is the Captain speaking, welcome aboard
Trans-Parent Airlines, flight 69, non-stop service to Dallas. We're
currently cruising at 35,000 ft., bla bla bla... now, sit back, relax
and enjoy your flight.". Then, thinking he turned the mike off, he turns
to his First Officer and says "Now what I really need is a hot woman and
a cold beer". The Senior Flight Attendant, a young woman, is at the aft
galley and runs to the cockpit to warn the Captain he left the mike on.
Just as she is about to open the door, an old lady sitting in First
Class says: "Hey, don't forget the beer!".
|
ATC
Transmission*:
"Climb like your life depends on it... because it does."
|
We
love your P.A. announcements!
Southwest Airlines is known as an airline with a special kind of humor,
but is this safety demonstration announcement ? Who knows!
"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen
masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and
pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you have two small
children, decide now which you love more."
Fear of flying*
A Boeing 747 starts rolling for take-off and aborts just before V1
(point of no return). The incident report says the aircraft lost power
in one engine and the captain aborted takeoff. And guess what? The 747
was full of people taking their first flight after a course to overcome
their fear of flying.
NoFrills Airways
On a flight from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City on a No Frills Airways, the
situation couldn't be worse. The weather was bad, the peanuts were
stale, the drinks were watered down and... the landing was the hardest
ever. The flight attendant, the only one on this 130-passenger flight,
made the following P.A. announcement after landing: "Ladies and
gentlemen, thank you for your patience on this flight. You'll be glad to
know we have HIT Salt Lake City..."
"The engine is still there!"
Here's a conversation heard on a 747 flying from London to Vancouver. A
gentleman, obviously a first-time white-knuckle flyer, was nervously
asking his seatmate, an elderly woman next to him, about the length of
the flight, the cruising altitude, etc. After take-off, he fell
completely silent and started staring the inboard engine, apparently
waiting for it to drop off. Half an hour later, the old woman tapped him
on the shoulder and said: "Son, if you would like to go to the washroom,
I'll watch it for you".
Short field landing
A student pilot had an engine failure one day. He successfully force
landed, and found his way to a phone to call the club house. He gave his
position to his instructor, who said he would pop straight out in one of
the club's aircraft to pick him up. The instructor found the downed
student - parked in a rather small looking field. "Hmmm, if he can get
in there, so can I!". He performed a text book short field landing, and
parked extremely neatly in the hedge at the far end of the field. On
extricating himself from the brambles, he asked the student how on earth
he had managed to land in such a confined space. "Oh, I didn't - I
landed in that big field over there and pushed the plane in here to give
you more room!"
Up all night
A four-engine aircraft (never mind what type of aircraft it was!) is over
the Atlantic. The pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, this is the
Captain speaking. We've lost an engine. Do not feel alarmed, we can
safely fly on three engines. However, we'll be two hours late reaching
our destination." ...
An hour later, the pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, this is the
Captain again. We've lost another engine. No need to be alarmed, we can
safely fly on two engines. However, we'll be four hours later reaching
our destination." ...
An hour later, the pilot announces on the P.A.: "Folks, Captain again.
Engine 3 is dead. Don't panic, we can safely fly on one engine. However
we'll have a six-hour delay on reaching our destination." ...
One annoyed passenger turned to his seatmate and says: "If that fourth
engine quits, we'll be up here all night!"
To
make a woman happy
To make a woman happy.....
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend 2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes
&
To Make a Man Happy:
A Women needs to :
1. Leave him alone .......( HA! HA! HA!)